The Window

I was about to turn 15 when I crawled out of this window in the middle of the night with a girl named Angie. I don’t have a clue where we went or what we did that night. I wasn’t delicate or elegant getting through the window and when I had my first female exam, my doctor asked a few times what happened to me because there was bruising all over my inner thighs.

I’m betting we went to see a boy named Greg. He was the person I chose to get my first time over with. In that, he’s cute and I am not in love with him, but I like him so no regrets. It was simple, kinda. Unless you know the backstory, that wasn’t so simple, but the narrative I was going for personally worked so I guess you take some hits when you come at something with that selfish, teen indulgence.

I never liked this window, unless I am just putting on makeup; the lighting the window lets in is nice. But I hate showering because even if it is frosted and no one can see, taking a shower at night or in the wee morning is off-putting to me. I can be a little neurotic though and I watch and have watched a lot of true crime.

I took this photo of the bathroom yesterday after I finished wiping and disinfecting all of its surfaces. The objects, the light, the look, all of it I just wanted to capture. That’s what happens for me and maybe a lot of photographers, I see something — the bend of a tree, the light through a window, the look on a persons face — and I am compelled to procure the nearest camera and snap. I have created photos, but my favorite kind are just there. Candid, natural, needing preservation if only for a short period of time.

And maybe what I see is not seen by others, but that’s not the goal as much as can I capture what I see or how I am seeing someone or something. That’s probably very amateur of me, but I have yet thought of the business of photography. I love the art and it’s probably why Instagram is my favorite social media. Sometimes I cannot capture exactly how I see things and that sucks, but when I do I get a rush. Everyone likes a rush.

Photo (color & black and white) © Sarah Jane 2020. Don’t steal.

Humanity

Maybe I should feel blessed I don’t have many outside world connections, a.k.a. friends. I am a member of a group on Facebook, I watch TikToks (hush, you!), and sometimes Instagram lives and videos. I am watching everyone collectively fall apart at the seams due to the current consequences we have to face for this pandemic. I don’t know if I would be able to deal with my own moments of falling apart and my friends’ as well. I don’t know if that makes me a terrible person or someone who just knows their limits. When it’s too much, I can disconnect from those internet things without offending anyone. With friends there is more of an unwritten law of being supportive. I like to be supportive, but there are times it weighs too heavily on me. And that’s just the reality for me.

I use music and comedy and thrillers to get through my many moods of the day. Yeah, sometimes I will want to talk to someone, but music is usually better because I have a hard time communicating my feelings which can cause me more strife. If I converse with others in an off-chance, I’m upbeat and using my “I’m fine” exterior. And I obviously write. *wink*

My heart chips when I read a 7-month pregnant woman who’s high-risk venting about how her husband came from the grocery store with only things for himself because — his reason — her items wouldn’t fit in the cart. Another woman is on the brink of a divorce even though before this turn of events, they both worked fine together from home.

People are falling apart and there’s nothing we can do except pray, or if nonreligious, hope for the light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

May we get to that light.

Photo by Anastasia Dulgier on Unsplash

Do We Learn?

The following info blurb was stolen without permission aka copied from the Instagram of @womensrights_news:

Outrage sparked after two French doctors suggested to carry out experiments for a COVID-19 vaccine in Africa on live TV. “If I can be provocative, shouldn’t we do this study in Africa, where there are no masks no treatments, no reanimation?” said one of the doctors named Dr. Jean-Paul Mira on a local TV channel LCI. “A little bit as is done in some AIDS studies where they use prostitutes to test some things because they know they are highly exposed, and they don’t protect themselves, what do you think?” he added.

The other doctor named Dr. Camille Locht also joined the conversation saying, “So you are right, we’re thinking of parallel study in Africa to use this same kind of approach with the BCG (vaccine) placebo.”

“We think seriously about that,” he added.”

When we have to fight for the rights of our own, human’s right, whether it be legalities of gay marriage, or the right for women to choose what they want with their own bodies, or prison reformation and having basic humane treatments for the incarcerated AND their rights after they’ve served their time, it’s crazy but it is what we live with everyday for probably the rest of our time on this earth as humans until we hopefully evolve our minds in Intellect and Emotional Quotients.

I draw the line that any person should ever test or experiment on other people unless conducted soundly, meaning they are in full knowledge of all the potentials and agree to the study/experiment. This is why even thought the branch of Psychology is only almost 150 years old, they evolved their experiments and even have in their oaths that they harm no one in their research and studies and experiments.

To suggest anything be studied on a class of people because of their particular plights in life is against psychology, medicine, medical research. And to try and make it a more palatable suggestion based on the cruelty and inhumane actions people out of stupidity and fear conducted against a grouping of people is disgusting and makes me question, do we learn? Do we even evolve? Do generations leave behind other generations with smarter and more humane qualities? I want to know. Where’s the analysis on that?

Quarantine Revelations: I fucked up.

I was watching an older episode of the Kardashians and the focus was a rift between Khloe and her best friend Malika. Disregard that I watch the Kardashians. Stop. Stop. Done?

The dynamic of the two reminded me a lot of my and my former best friend’s relationship and I started having those reminiscent induced feels. I decided to read out loud the very long blog post that bothered me and caused our most recent blow out. But something happened. Something I was not expecting at all because of how I felt when I had read it before.

I didn’t feel the anger, rage, disbelief, or offense I had. Yes there were parts that cut, but they were few and I could, reading it now and aloud, realize they were out of hurt feelings rather than malicious intent. Those parts were what I focused so much on before. And the only reason I could think why is because of where I was in my life.

Having read her words tonight, I realize I fucked up our friendship. This time it was really ALL ME. I mean she did go apeshit by my approach of bringing up the blog and how dismayed I felt at her keeping it up over a year later, but she does that anyway which is why I ghosted her that one time that caused the exact blog post.

She is flighty, she attracts drama, but she is a good person and I completely misread the whole thing. And this is going to sound like an excuse and maybe it is, but I was also dealing with another fucked up dynamic that was not NOT my fault (he was the bigger shit, tho), but I needed to extract myself. So yeah, January of this year I busted it all up.

She won’t talk to me though and I don’t blame her. And things happen for a reason, but reading that blog post objectively opened my eyes and so maybe that’s the reason.

She wasn’t wrong. Harsh at points, yes, but I can not sit here with God in my heart and say anything she said about me is wrong. And for that, I thank her.

Hear Me Out: Anxiety, Depression, Online Romance

I have been losing my shit lately. That can happen given the circumstance of life as we know it. I rid my blog of the last couple woe-is-me posts I wrote. And that’s the funny thing. I mean we are all different with similarities here and there, but my typical personality is so vastly different than my “everything is shit” state of mind. Back when I was a melodramatic teen, they were much more in sync. Now I go through the life is meaningless and then come to the typical (light-hearted, humorous, that sunny funny Sarah) frame of mind and I am like, “What the shite is this shit? Bugger off!” Or to be less exaggerative, “damn, that’s awful.. *trash*”

I also have extreme anxiety and the stay home order I have been taking seriously since before my county was smart enough to close the parks. I live in Florida where my governor, DeStupid, has finally declared a statewide order to go into effect TONIGHT at MIDNIGHT. He is a special one. Either way, I have ridiculous anxiety and been sheltered over this for I don’t know how long now. So when my appointment for my blood draw was coming up — I just got home 20 minutes ago — I was fretting because even though I would like to have a normal brain, it has decided we are already in an apocalypse so everything out there is desolate and scary — like the movie 28 Days Later or World War Z or the most recent one I actually watched, Into the Forest. So if my anxiety becomes overwhelming, it can turn into dark depression. And now that I went over the looming hurdle completely unscathed, I feel like okay, I can breathe, maybe my personal situation is not so bad. Sucks yeah, but I have what I need and more ways of entertainment than I can count, and if we do what we are supposed to during these trying times, we will come out eventually.

I understand people are suffering and dying and my heart goes out to all of them. I pray they rest in peace if they’ve gone and heal if they are suffering; and that all of their loved ones find peace as well.

In other news. Two people matched with me on the dating apps. One is a guy who seems like a guy. He has a job that is considered essential, I guess that’s our new criteria of long distance dating, and he seems nice and not like the normal freaks one comes across.

The second is a woman. And she’s never eaten beef jerky.

But I wonder if like online relationships could be a thing again. Long time ago back when personal computers were more luxury than necessity, my friends had AOL so we would go into the chatrooms of people who were supposed to be out peers and have little boyfriends we would chat with. And I’ll take you further down the road of my embarrassment, I got into Yahoo chatrooms and started going into RPG (roleplaying games, like WoW with just text, not sexual freak roleplaying) chats. And would have roleplaying boyfriends. And I am not the only one if you are reading this and never have, there is a show and a podcast that is called The Mortified where people talk about times of the past. I recommend it.

But I think it might be fun to just have an online partner. I don’t even know if I want the exchanging of pictures or face-timing. Just email and text. That sounds brilliant.

Kind of like Love is Blind, but not scripted. If you really think that was a filmed social experiment, sorry to burst your bubble. “Reality” TV is scripted because it would be boring otherwise.

Don't Do Drugs

When I was a young guppie, my friend persuaded me to take a roll with her. It was the “Superman” variety because exactly like that image, it had the Superman logo on it. Another roll going around was a “Mitsubishi” but they were dirty. A roll was a “designer” drug where they supposedly chemically combined pure ecstasy with coke or heroin or some other street drug and then you were high for a period of time and things typically felt amazing. Music was intense, you’d abuse the shit out of Vick’s inhalers and were supposed to always have a bottle of water available so you wouldn’t die. What it really was was anyone’s guess. The dirty rolls did kill people. About 3 kids from my high school died from these things. And here I was, 18 and out of school and willing to put my life in jeopardy for a best friend because she begged.

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Letting Go Of The Animosity

Animosity is defined as a strong hostility. Hostility is defined as unfriendliness or opposition, the second definition is acts of warfare. I felt these, obviously not literal acts of warfare, but symbolic ones I suppose. There are things I have done that I am not proud of, but I did them to drill in a point and the result I wanted was achieved. But I am not at that stage anymore. In fact, I am not at that level of anger anymore. I know I forgive quickly, I mentioned this a time or two. I have forgiven for me and I have moved to the point where I have unblocked people on social media not because I want them back, but because I want to let go of the animosity. Let them, metaphorically, out of the dark places in my heart so I can heal proper and move on.

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Shards of Truth

I am enjoying this solitude because I know in my heart I am not ready to balance any kind of relationship more than mere acquaintance. In my 20’s I had the now seemingly delusional thought that when I hit my 30’s, my days of bullshitting with others would be a thing of the past. I will be turning 35 this year and up until a couple months ago, all of my relations with others were shit. I recently told someone I wasn’t good at picking people for friendships or relationships, and honestly that is not an unfair nor untrue statement.

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The Man by Taylor Swift

I was a low-key fan of Ms Tay Swift from the beginning, but when she released the Reputation album in 2017, it was all high-key fangirling from there. So, I am sure you see where this is going.

I do understand not everyone has experienced the trials and tribulations that feminism stands against, and I honestly believe that it is a human right to have opinions or beliefs and not be shamed for them simply because they differ from another’s. Of course unless they are harmful toward a person or group of people and then I think that calls for immediate invalidation because a lot of the time, those thoughts and opinions turn into actions of hate and discourse which holds no justifications.

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